can't run, install, uninstall Jalview, not desktop not applet

OK. So. I've been using Jalview for a while. I'm trying to open one of my alignments.

Jalview won't launch. "Windows Error 2 occurred while loading the Java VM." What did I do to deserve this? Not very informative. Same thing if I Try to uninstall Jalview from through the conrol panel.

Trying to Launch jalview.jnlp I get "Unable to Launch the application".

After uninstalling Java and trying to run the Jalview installer with included VM. Installation stops with some bullshit error: "Installer User Interface Not Supported. The installer cannot run in this UI mode. To specify the interface mode, use the -i command.... valid UI modes are GUI, Console". I can't even copy and paste from the notification box, but that's Java for you.

OK. I finally got the app running by using jalview.jnlp downloaded from the page http://www.jalview.org/faq#bug The certificate error is not easy to find and I'm pretty sure I downloaded jalview.jnlp today already, so there are probably links to older versions that do not work on the Jalview site. The Jalview desktop app is stuck I cannot remove it. How about stating a version of Java that will work with the downloadable version of Jalview? And where to get it.

[edited to remove swearing]